Ring of Glory—A Boardgame Saga

Posted: February 8, 2011 in boardgames

SPLAT! Steve Avery just slapped a rather large mosquito on his neck as he stopped to wipe his brow.  Mr. Avery was beginning to wonder if  this long journey he had made was worth it but as he wiped the sweat from his face,  his mind drifted back to the dull days he recently spent reading through dull lifeless posts on Fortress Ameritrash and BoardgameGeek. The drivel he read through in these last weeks was far worse than the bogs and swamps he now traversed in order to seek out the one person that could save him and his hobby from this drudgery.

“Are you alright?”, asked Jon Jacob

Steve Avery just nodded his head to his companion Jon Jacob who also joined him on his quest. Steve Avery’s tank top was drenched and as he plunked his backpack down on a rock,  a rather large rat scurried out from behind his hiding place and into the dense brush.

Avery smiled slightly and said,

“Kind of reminds me of a member of Boardgamegeek.”

Jon Jacob smiled and took a sip from his canteen as the sun shone down. Avery slipped into a new yellow tank top and slung his backpack back on and started back through the dense jungle.

It had been 3 days since Steve Avery and Jon Jacob started out on this dangerous quest.  They both knew the world of boardgaming was in trouble and they knew there was only one man to save it, STEVE WEEKS.

  No one had ever made it to Steve Weeks’ bungalow. This was the headquarters of his rebel boardgaming society, The League of Untouchable American Gamers.  Steve Weeks was totally unpredictable and it always amused Avery that Weeks’ League of Untouchable American Gamers Headquarters was in Bali! But times were tough and not only was Steve Weeks banned from Boardgamegeek and Fortress Ameritrash, he was also banned from Texas which forced him to retreat to his vacation Bungalow and relocate his organization there.

Steve Weeks has a long and sorted history in the world of boardgaming.  Michael Barnes and Steve Weeks were once allies but now Barnes holds a prominent position on Steve Weeks’ Arch Enemies list, along with Derk Solko, Scott Alden, Rick Thornquist, Greg Schloesser, and several other minor figures in boardgaming which include Uba and Ken Bradford.

Jon Jacob stopped while Steve Avery looked at a map.

“What makes you think Weeks will go along with you, Avery? You yourself said that Weeks is totally unpredictable. He hasn’t even posted anything in months and now you expect him to bring back boardgaming from the brink of destruction?”

“Jon, I know Weeks, he will listen to my proposal, he will do it.”, said Avery with a hint of arrogance

“Avery, Weeks has two fans, you and me and that’s it! Even if he does agree I doubt he can recreate the influence he had back in the War of 2006. That was just a fluke!”

Avery turned around in a rage and screamed

“Weeks was no fluke!!!”

Jon was shocked at the rage Avery displayed.

“Sit down Jon”, Avery said in a slightly apologetic voice.

“You and I have watched a lot of  boardgame videos and listened to a hell of a lot of gaming podcasts, including those done by Weeks. Now I admit Weeks has been blown away by the podcasts of today and videos but back when I watched one of his Dice Lounge videos, as crude and unpolished as it was, I saw something, just for a moment. A diamond in the rough so to speak. It is up to you and I to motivate Weeks and save our hobby.”

Jon took his hat off and spoke softly as they walked on.

“I hope it is enough.”

  Steve Avery and Jon Jacob continued through the dense jungle and suddenly were stopped by what seemed to be a wall of vines and vegetation. Steve Avery smiled as he loved using his large machete to whack his way through the jungle but this time his machete made a loud clank as the vines covered a large stone wall.

“Listen!”, said Jon Jacob

Avery stopped midswing and said ,  “I don’t hear anything.”

It’s drums, listen hear the drums? I know that beat!! What is that?!?

Steve Avery and Jon Jacob both looked each other in the eye and said at the same time,

“CUBE CONFUSION!”

The sound of drums was coming from atop the high stone wall and it was indeed the beat to Steve Weeks’ famous song “Cube Confusion” that he played at the top of most of his boardgaming podcasts.

Steve Avery pulled his backpack off in excitement as he knew that Steve Weeks’ Bungalow must be on top of the high stone wall. Avery began to assemble his mountain climbing gear and Jon Jacob began to help when suddenly something sharp was poking into the back of Steve Avery.

Avery slowly turned around and saw the beautiful tan leg of a female and as Avery’s eyes went wide he saw the beautiful female dressed in leopard fur pointing spear at him smiling.

“Mr. Weeks doesn’t like visitors. Especially unannounced boardgaming visitors.”, said the beautiful jungle woman emphasizing the word boargaming as though it was unattractive and uncool.

“How…How do you know we are boardgamers?” said Avery sheepishly

The beautiful Jungle woman pointed her spear at a copy of  “Thunder Road” which had fallen out of Avery’s backpack while he was getting the mountain climbing gear. As she pointed a grey-rumped treeswift flying overhead made a large deposit on the boxcover of Avery’s game which made him grimmace. Jon Jacob laughed and said,

“That’s a sight only Greg Schloesser would love!”

“Come with me”, said the jungle woman.

Avery and Jon Jacob both with a spear threatening their manhood walked ahead around a cluster of jungle scrub to a clearing which revealed a bamboo elevator bucket operated by a winch at the top of the high wall. The 3 of them got in as the bamboo bucket started going upwards to the top of the wall.

Steve Avery pretended that the elevator made a jolt and plunged his head into the well endowed busom of the jungle woman and smiled and shifted his eyes like a young  Groucho Marx without the mustache and without the cigar but before the one liner wisecrack,  the jungle woman put a knee to his nuts.

Avery spoke in a high voice similar to Scott Nicholson,

“What is your name by the way?”

She laughed and said you probably couldn’t pronounce my real name, but Mr. Weeks calls me BUBBLES.

(To be continued…)

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